nanaluar's kind of 'New Year, New Me' Post

Hi, as I'm typing this post, right now at 1:31 AM GMT, it's Sunday and the first day of 2017; 1st January.

You must've known the popular meme; or even resolution in new year which people would refer as the 'new year, new me'. Frankly, for the past years, I've always thought that this new year new me is quite ridiculous.

Why?

Because why would you wait for a new year to come to make a change? Why didn't you change like; I don't know; your hair color, your attitude or even your ways with words if you really thought that there's something wrong with you? Why wait for new year to come?

But as times pass and I've opened my view wider than before and have been given the opportunity to observe people more closely, I guess for those kind of people, new year is a symbolism. They probably didn't have the chance to be alone and sit quietly to dwell on their own thoughts. Or maybe it's just that the realization hit them when it's the new year's eve. Or maybe they just did it for fun lol

I've learned quite a lot about socializing; the difference between what I'm thinking and what others are thinking during this sem break. I had a long talk with mom the other week, I told her how I would disagree to other people's opinions and how those disagreements strayed me away from them. I had this big ego that I wouldn't accept anything that is different from what is on my mind.

I was such a bigoted person; a bigoted and selfish person to tell the truth. I couldn't accept people's ways of living their lives. People that would rather party all year long than to seriously think about their responsibilities. I side eyed those kinds very often, I would talk badly about them but mom's words hit me rather hardly;

Who are you to judge them, De? Kamu siapa? Emang kamu yang kasi makan mereka? Kamu yang kerja keras nyariin mereka uang? Engga kan? Then you have no rights to judge them. Kamu bukan siapa-siapa. Bahkan orang tua mereka; walaupun mungkin sakit hati melihat anaknya berfoya foya ga mikirin masa depan, mereka, bukan Tuhan. Hanya satu di dunia ini yang berhak menilai pola hidup seseorang, Allah; Tuhan.

After I heard that, it felt like I was hit by thousands of rocks, like there were so many thoughts running around in my head; I vividly heard mocking laughters in my mind with some words that said;

You fool! Only now that you realize you've been way too judgemental? Where have you been?

But sometimes you can't help it, there's always that little voice in your head that would complain and assess every little things about people around you; 'that girl is quite thick; that guy looks like a sissy; ew why is she wearing too much makeup? You can't even see her original features!'

I told mom that I can't seem to erase these kinds of negativity clouding my brain and she said that it's people's nature to think like that. It's okay as long as it stays in your head and you don't voice it out. By not saying it out loud, you avoid hurting them; and that is quite a feat itself.

Then gue berfikir; munafik ga sih? Walaupun sebenarnya di hati yang paling dalam gue gasuka sama orang ini tapi gue, anggaplah, baik sama dia. I asked her about that and mom said it's not hypocritical of me to act like that.

You don't go around telling the person you dislike 'oh my gosh I like you so much you're like my bestie ever I can't live without you' but then you tell other people bad things about this person. That; is what you call a hypocrite.

Jujur gue sering ngomongin orang dari belakang, gue sering complain tentang tiniest flaws about those I don't like. I would call them names; 'stupid bitch, cheap girl, ugly guy, freak'; you know all kinds of hurtful words. Sebenernya mungkin gue gasukanya tuh biasa aja, tapi there's this thing called 'kebawa suasana' or 'mau masuk biar dianggep' you choose either one of those and you would say stupid things that you don't even mean.

Fitting in; can be done without engaging in gossips, I've learned it from mom. Mom has this circle of friends that contains sub groups you know like you hang around many people but there are always those who you consider your bosom friends and those who are not that close but you hang out together anyway.

Those involved in subgroups would maliciously talk about someone in their circle of friends, mom said.

'Sometimes, age is just a number. To some people, being older doesn't make them wiser.'

Well I guess this quote is true.

Anyway, mom is quite the social butterfly. She doesn't discriminate, she thinks all of her friends are good even if they have some flaws here and there, they are good people. Mom would usually only listen to her friends spewing venomous words about her other friends. If she is asked about her opinion or her footing in their mess, she will only say that the person they are talking about is kind and even if they make mistakes, at the end of the day, they are still good people. Those who gossips around don't think of mom as this high and mighty woman who is too proud of herself because mom is quite easygoing, she dresses simply and talk humbly.

Mom would avoid talking bad behind people's backs at all cost. She doesn't want her words to inflict pain upon someone even if it's actually a fact.

As you can see, I AM VERY PROUD OF MOM. I think of her as my role model. Someday I want to be like her, even if she only stays at home, she is very; VERY successful. What are the criterias and characteristics of successful people anyway? My mom doesn't make money but she makes sure that her children will grow up with good heads. And to me that is very successful of her.

I'm not saying that I'm such a great person already but I can talk about my flaws right here because of mom.

From that long explanation, my new year resolution is;

To not hurt people, accidentally or intentionally. I must watch my words, my attitude and my gestures.

New year, new me for nanaluar; hope you'd grow a good head on your shoulder and your ego would die.

Happy new year!

Writing

I've always had passion for writing, whether it's about my daily life, everything I've been through and even stories that I create in my head.

To be honest, I once had a thought that I want to be an author. You know, like J.K Rowling kind of author lol. I had planned what kind of fantasy story I would write and which publisher I should send my work to... but then I thought the competition would be too tough and I wouldn't survive with my below average skills. How did I find out that my writing is subpar?

As I have said before, I seriously considered to create my own stories and make a name for myself as a professional author. To achieve that, I made so much researches, such as reading a whole lot works from other writers. There were a lot of genres and I mostly read short stories about romance because those are always around. I by no means have any rights to put down the quality of someone's fruit of an effort, but there were a lot of works that made me go 'huh?' because of poorly written dialogues, wrong grammars and unimaginable plot twists.

Those works made my ego reach a whole new level of peak and I thought I could do better than them. I thought I was better than them because I write (yeah, I don't think I speak the language well) English quite well. I tried to write; and I always came into one conclusion after I start writing, I can't finish it.

I would always start writing with fresh new ideas; I would write them in high spirits but then I would meet that famous writer's block halfway and in the end I lost my initial spirit so I stopped writing it until the end.

Because of that. I appreciate those who can write until the end. Even if they can't write with the right grammars, at least they are consistent and eager enough to finish what they started.

So I let that dream of me being a professional and renowned author go, because I don't have the ability of being consistent. I get bored easily so I definitely am not able to strive as an author like J.K Rowling. In the end I think that was such a silly and unreachable dream.

But there is always this nagging feeling in my heart, ideas and concepts are always overflowing in my mind, I can't help it but I really want make stories from those overflowing ideas.

I know that I still won't be able to finish it if I meet writer's block again but I want to write and I'll use this blog as a platform to write anything... so please anticipate if one day I will write a story here!

P.s I am certain that I won't be an author so rest assured, you won't be seeing my trashes in the bookstore, you will only see it here