Being Away From Your Family

18 years, I’ve been living for the past 18 years and never have I ever been so far apart from my family for such a long time. I’m really, really close with them, to the point where we share the same bedroom, the five of us.

We have nothing to hide, no secrets whatsoever. We’re like soulmates, we get along so well, I’ve never imagined that I would be away, like really away from them, for around 3-4 years.

It’s a happy news to have known that I got accepted in Brawijaya, it really is. My mom and I, even my brother who is always apathetic with everything around him, cried really hard because finally, finally after a long struggle and endless tears, we finally saw the light.

I was so overwhelmed by happiness that nothing about being separated even crossed my mind at that time. We cried and hugged for so long and we kept thanking God for giving us the privilege of attending university

.

After quite some time, I finally realized that I have to live apart from them, for the sake of getting a better education.

I was sad, I am still sad, up until this day.

I know that the reason I am here is to achieve higher knowledge, a knowledge you wouldn’t find anywhere in high school. But I still can’t help to feel sad, to cry over being lonely.

I’m someone who grows up in a very close family. I am close with everyone in my family, not just with my dad, mom, sister, and brother. My household consists of ten people, five from my core family, and I also live with my grandma, three of my uncles, and my aunt. Not to forget, I have six cats back at home.

You definitely can imagine how drastic my life is. I am now all alone in a foreign land, a land where I don’t even know the culture, the people, the places. Okay, I am being a bit too emotional about this because I am not actually alone, I have a roommate and friends from school but right now, I am all alone in my room so.. like, the feels are like suddenly come crashing down on you, you know?

Jujur sih ini kaya sedih banget bener-bener baru kerasa sekarang kesepiannya soalnya seminggu pertama gue di sini tuh, mama masih nemenin, baru aja dua hari yang lalu mama pergi ke bandara buat pulang ke Jakarta… without me…

Pas gue anterin ke depan kosan, gue udah kaya berkaca-kaca gitu, air matanya udah threatening to fall tapo masih gue tahan. Pas udah masukin koper ke bagasi mobil terus nyokap meluk tuh baru gue nangis kaya udah gatahan lagi nyimpen air mata.

Malu sih sebenernya udah segede ini tapi masih nangis kaya anak tk gamau ditinggalin mamanya tapi gue bener-bener sedihnya tuh udah gaketolongan lagi jadi udahlah gue nangis depan kosan gue yang letaknya di pinggir jalan raya wkwk

Mama sih udah bilang jangan ngedrama depan kosan tapi kaya udah gakuat gitu soalnya gue gabakal ngeliat muka nyokap setiap hari, cuma lewat vidcall yang gasebanding sama aslinya… sumpah jadi pengen nangis lagi tau ga sih nulis ginian…

But I have to be strong. I am not here to be a crybaby, I am here to study, to be smarter, and to make my parents proud. I have to get over this mellowness and sadness, I have to be more optimistic, I have to create a better version of me.

A Nadiyah who won’t cry easily (even though crying is humane), a Nadiyah who won’t laze around doing nothing, a Nadiyah who will graduate with pride.

I am here with some goals waiting to be achieved. And I have to be ready to gain them.

End

In the blink of an eye, I've finally come to my final stages in high school. Three years have passed since I cried thinking I would not go to school because of mom's gambling.

What gambling? Jadi, pas gue masuk SMA tuh ada kaya tiga tahap gitu, umum, lokal, sama sisa-sisaan gitu. Nah gue tahap pertama tuh daftar di 14 dan sebenernya gue sangat ingin masuk situ tapi biar bisa sekolah di sana banyak pro dan connya serta penuh drama sih so gue akhirnya ga verifikasi dan nungguin tahap tiga, di mana gue dan nyokap ngirain kalo ga verif tuh jadi ada spot kosong.

Tau-taunya zonk gaada spot kosong. Adanya di 71 dan 91, sekolah yang honestly, sangat gue hindarin gara-gara banyak isu kalo di sana tuh pergaulannya sangat buruk (padahal sih tergantung lo lo nya juga mau bandel apa engga). Tapi kalo diliat dari bagusan mana sih ya pasti 71 kan, jadi gue daftar situ. Gaada 30 menit gue ketendang.

Gue masi inget nama yang nendang gue itu, si Januar (tau-taunya dia pindah ke 61 kan gue jadi sangat ingin sorakin dengan penuh bahasa kasar). Gue paniknya gaketolongan lagi sih; gue nangis sekejer-kejernya, nyalahin nyokap gue wkwkwkwkwkwk gara-gara mau gambling tapi untung 91 masi ada kosongnya jadi masuk deh gue di situ.

I still vividly remember my first year, how I was super awkward and sat alone like a freaking loser lmao. Anyway I eventually befriended people and met a friend who stayed until my third and a month year lol.

Maybe it was because influence or because of my bitterness and pettiness; that friend and I ended up separating ways. There are times I would regret it but mostly I'm quite content with how things have played out. I hope I didn't make a wrong choice, even if I did, I wish everything is for the best, for me and for that friend.

Sometimes you can't help it, there's this dark side of your heart that would entice you to be mean, to avoid and to ignore. I unfortunately didn't have enough will to not go into the dark side and I chose to break a friendship. It was relieving and burdening at the same time, to stray away from someone that had made you comfortable.

But in the end, it's for my self-growth. I'm not saying that friend is a bad influence, I wasn't the brightest in the class because I made myself think that they're a bed to fall back down; meaning I made myself fully dependent on them.

It was wrong of me, I should've stand on my own because once that friend didn't do things they way I wanted, I found myself hurting too much. My happiness should be guaranteed by myself.

Welp, let's stop talking about bittersweet memories; let's talk about this so called 'final stages' of my high school experience.

So this last Friday, there was a market day. I sold foods like fettuccine, tuna sandwich and drinks like green tea latte, thai tea and orange squash.

It was fun, though it was also tiring.

And now we're currently undergoing try out from Gunadarma and in my twelve years being a student, never have I experienced a try out so absurd that even the teachers told us to give up lol, definitely a new experience.

Soon, we will face US, USBN, and UNBK (wow that's a lot of exams). It will be due in less than a month oh my God.

To everyone who will face finals, let's hope for the best and let's all meet in good universities!

Tea Has Been Spilled

At the end of 2016, in my first post, I wrote about how Antasari had been released from jail. I showed my disappointment because he said he only wanted to live peacefully so he wouldn't spill some secrets about someone we all know.

The Match Of The Year, and we're still in the middle of February

But I guess he was waiting to drop the bomb at the perfect time! Because he has spilled the tea!!! The tea!!! The tea we've all been thirsting for!!!!

Yep, he has finally adressed our beloved 6th President as the initiator of his case. In which, up until now, I think that case is the most absurd case ever. Why? Simply because the reason behind his sentence was a fucking love triangle.

LOVE TRIANGLE!!!!!

Is this a fucking K-Drama???? Where the second lead guy (Antasari) is a fucking psychopath who doesn't want the girl to end up with the lead??? That's a very cheap soap opera's scenario you created there, pepo.

Anyway, I am living off of pepo's glorious panic attack lmao

I hope Antasari will be protected and if we hear about the news of his death in the near future, you know who kills him.