Being Away From Your Family

18 years, I’ve been living for the past 18 years and never have I ever been so far apart from my family for such a long time. I’m really, really close with them, to the point where we share the same bedroom, the five of us.

We have nothing to hide, no secrets whatsoever. We’re like soulmates, we get along so well, I’ve never imagined that I would be away, like really away from them, for around 3-4 years.

It’s a happy news to have known that I got accepted in Brawijaya, it really is. My mom and I, even my brother who is always apathetic with everything around him, cried really hard because finally, finally after a long struggle and endless tears, we finally saw the light.

I was so overwhelmed by happiness that nothing about being separated even crossed my mind at that time. We cried and hugged for so long and we kept thanking God for giving us the privilege of attending university

.

After quite some time, I finally realized that I have to live apart from them, for the sake of getting a better education.

I was sad, I am still sad, up until this day.

I know that the reason I am here is to achieve higher knowledge, a knowledge you wouldn’t find anywhere in high school. But I still can’t help to feel sad, to cry over being lonely.

I’m someone who grows up in a very close family. I am close with everyone in my family, not just with my dad, mom, sister, and brother. My household consists of ten people, five from my core family, and I also live with my grandma, three of my uncles, and my aunt. Not to forget, I have six cats back at home.

You definitely can imagine how drastic my life is. I am now all alone in a foreign land, a land where I don’t even know the culture, the people, the places. Okay, I am being a bit too emotional about this because I am not actually alone, I have a roommate and friends from school but right now, I am all alone in my room so.. like, the feels are like suddenly come crashing down on you, you know?

Jujur sih ini kaya sedih banget bener-bener baru kerasa sekarang kesepiannya soalnya seminggu pertama gue di sini tuh, mama masih nemenin, baru aja dua hari yang lalu mama pergi ke bandara buat pulang ke Jakarta… without me…

Pas gue anterin ke depan kosan, gue udah kaya berkaca-kaca gitu, air matanya udah threatening to fall tapo masih gue tahan. Pas udah masukin koper ke bagasi mobil terus nyokap meluk tuh baru gue nangis kaya udah gatahan lagi nyimpen air mata.

Malu sih sebenernya udah segede ini tapi masih nangis kaya anak tk gamau ditinggalin mamanya tapi gue bener-bener sedihnya tuh udah gaketolongan lagi jadi udahlah gue nangis depan kosan gue yang letaknya di pinggir jalan raya wkwk

Mama sih udah bilang jangan ngedrama depan kosan tapi kaya udah gakuat gitu soalnya gue gabakal ngeliat muka nyokap setiap hari, cuma lewat vidcall yang gasebanding sama aslinya… sumpah jadi pengen nangis lagi tau ga sih nulis ginian…

But I have to be strong. I am not here to be a crybaby, I am here to study, to be smarter, and to make my parents proud. I have to get over this mellowness and sadness, I have to be more optimistic, I have to create a better version of me.

A Nadiyah who won’t cry easily (even though crying is humane), a Nadiyah who won’t laze around doing nothing, a Nadiyah who will graduate with pride.

I am here with some goals waiting to be achieved. And I have to be ready to gain them.

End

In the blink of an eye, I've finally come to my final stages in high school. Three years have passed since I cried thinking I would not go to school because of mom's gambling.

What gambling? Jadi, pas gue masuk SMA tuh ada kaya tiga tahap gitu, umum, lokal, sama sisa-sisaan gitu. Nah gue tahap pertama tuh daftar di 14 dan sebenernya gue sangat ingin masuk situ tapi biar bisa sekolah di sana banyak pro dan connya serta penuh drama sih so gue akhirnya ga verifikasi dan nungguin tahap tiga, di mana gue dan nyokap ngirain kalo ga verif tuh jadi ada spot kosong.

Tau-taunya zonk gaada spot kosong. Adanya di 71 dan 91, sekolah yang honestly, sangat gue hindarin gara-gara banyak isu kalo di sana tuh pergaulannya sangat buruk (padahal sih tergantung lo lo nya juga mau bandel apa engga). Tapi kalo diliat dari bagusan mana sih ya pasti 71 kan, jadi gue daftar situ. Gaada 30 menit gue ketendang.

Gue masi inget nama yang nendang gue itu, si Januar (tau-taunya dia pindah ke 61 kan gue jadi sangat ingin sorakin dengan penuh bahasa kasar). Gue paniknya gaketolongan lagi sih; gue nangis sekejer-kejernya, nyalahin nyokap gue wkwkwkwkwkwk gara-gara mau gambling tapi untung 91 masi ada kosongnya jadi masuk deh gue di situ.

I still vividly remember my first year, how I was super awkward and sat alone like a freaking loser lmao. Anyway I eventually befriended people and met a friend who stayed until my third and a month year lol.

Maybe it was because influence or because of my bitterness and pettiness; that friend and I ended up separating ways. There are times I would regret it but mostly I'm quite content with how things have played out. I hope I didn't make a wrong choice, even if I did, I wish everything is for the best, for me and for that friend.

Sometimes you can't help it, there's this dark side of your heart that would entice you to be mean, to avoid and to ignore. I unfortunately didn't have enough will to not go into the dark side and I chose to break a friendship. It was relieving and burdening at the same time, to stray away from someone that had made you comfortable.

But in the end, it's for my self-growth. I'm not saying that friend is a bad influence, I wasn't the brightest in the class because I made myself think that they're a bed to fall back down; meaning I made myself fully dependent on them.

It was wrong of me, I should've stand on my own because once that friend didn't do things they way I wanted, I found myself hurting too much. My happiness should be guaranteed by myself.

Welp, let's stop talking about bittersweet memories; let's talk about this so called 'final stages' of my high school experience.

So this last Friday, there was a market day. I sold foods like fettuccine, tuna sandwich and drinks like green tea latte, thai tea and orange squash.

It was fun, though it was also tiring.

And now we're currently undergoing try out from Gunadarma and in my twelve years being a student, never have I experienced a try out so absurd that even the teachers told us to give up lol, definitely a new experience.

Soon, we will face US, USBN, and UNBK (wow that's a lot of exams). It will be due in less than a month oh my God.

To everyone who will face finals, let's hope for the best and let's all meet in good universities!

Tea Has Been Spilled

At the end of 2016, in my first post, I wrote about how Antasari had been released from jail. I showed my disappointment because he said he only wanted to live peacefully so he wouldn't spill some secrets about someone we all know.

The Match Of The Year, and we're still in the middle of February

But I guess he was waiting to drop the bomb at the perfect time! Because he has spilled the tea!!! The tea!!! The tea we've all been thirsting for!!!!

Yep, he has finally adressed our beloved 6th President as the initiator of his case. In which, up until now, I think that case is the most absurd case ever. Why? Simply because the reason behind his sentence was a fucking love triangle.

LOVE TRIANGLE!!!!!

Is this a fucking K-Drama???? Where the second lead guy (Antasari) is a fucking psychopath who doesn't want the girl to end up with the lead??? That's a very cheap soap opera's scenario you created there, pepo.

Anyway, I am living off of pepo's glorious panic attack lmao

I hope Antasari will be protected and if we hear about the news of his death in the near future, you know who kills him.

nanaluar's kind of 'New Year, New Me' Post

Hi, as I'm typing this post, right now at 1:31 AM GMT, it's Sunday and the first day of 2017; 1st January.

You must've known the popular meme; or even resolution in new year which people would refer as the 'new year, new me'. Frankly, for the past years, I've always thought that this new year new me is quite ridiculous.

Why?

Because why would you wait for a new year to come to make a change? Why didn't you change like; I don't know; your hair color, your attitude or even your ways with words if you really thought that there's something wrong with you? Why wait for new year to come?

But as times pass and I've opened my view wider than before and have been given the opportunity to observe people more closely, I guess for those kind of people, new year is a symbolism. They probably didn't have the chance to be alone and sit quietly to dwell on their own thoughts. Or maybe it's just that the realization hit them when it's the new year's eve. Or maybe they just did it for fun lol

I've learned quite a lot about socializing; the difference between what I'm thinking and what others are thinking during this sem break. I had a long talk with mom the other week, I told her how I would disagree to other people's opinions and how those disagreements strayed me away from them. I had this big ego that I wouldn't accept anything that is different from what is on my mind.

I was such a bigoted person; a bigoted and selfish person to tell the truth. I couldn't accept people's ways of living their lives. People that would rather party all year long than to seriously think about their responsibilities. I side eyed those kinds very often, I would talk badly about them but mom's words hit me rather hardly;

Who are you to judge them, De? Kamu siapa? Emang kamu yang kasi makan mereka? Kamu yang kerja keras nyariin mereka uang? Engga kan? Then you have no rights to judge them. Kamu bukan siapa-siapa. Bahkan orang tua mereka; walaupun mungkin sakit hati melihat anaknya berfoya foya ga mikirin masa depan, mereka, bukan Tuhan. Hanya satu di dunia ini yang berhak menilai pola hidup seseorang, Allah; Tuhan.

After I heard that, it felt like I was hit by thousands of rocks, like there were so many thoughts running around in my head; I vividly heard mocking laughters in my mind with some words that said;

You fool! Only now that you realize you've been way too judgemental? Where have you been?

But sometimes you can't help it, there's always that little voice in your head that would complain and assess every little things about people around you; 'that girl is quite thick; that guy looks like a sissy; ew why is she wearing too much makeup? You can't even see her original features!'

I told mom that I can't seem to erase these kinds of negativity clouding my brain and she said that it's people's nature to think like that. It's okay as long as it stays in your head and you don't voice it out. By not saying it out loud, you avoid hurting them; and that is quite a feat itself.

Then gue berfikir; munafik ga sih? Walaupun sebenarnya di hati yang paling dalam gue gasuka sama orang ini tapi gue, anggaplah, baik sama dia. I asked her about that and mom said it's not hypocritical of me to act like that.

You don't go around telling the person you dislike 'oh my gosh I like you so much you're like my bestie ever I can't live without you' but then you tell other people bad things about this person. That; is what you call a hypocrite.

Jujur gue sering ngomongin orang dari belakang, gue sering complain tentang tiniest flaws about those I don't like. I would call them names; 'stupid bitch, cheap girl, ugly guy, freak'; you know all kinds of hurtful words. Sebenernya mungkin gue gasukanya tuh biasa aja, tapi there's this thing called 'kebawa suasana' or 'mau masuk biar dianggep' you choose either one of those and you would say stupid things that you don't even mean.

Fitting in; can be done without engaging in gossips, I've learned it from mom. Mom has this circle of friends that contains sub groups you know like you hang around many people but there are always those who you consider your bosom friends and those who are not that close but you hang out together anyway.

Those involved in subgroups would maliciously talk about someone in their circle of friends, mom said.

'Sometimes, age is just a number. To some people, being older doesn't make them wiser.'

Well I guess this quote is true.

Anyway, mom is quite the social butterfly. She doesn't discriminate, she thinks all of her friends are good even if they have some flaws here and there, they are good people. Mom would usually only listen to her friends spewing venomous words about her other friends. If she is asked about her opinion or her footing in their mess, she will only say that the person they are talking about is kind and even if they make mistakes, at the end of the day, they are still good people. Those who gossips around don't think of mom as this high and mighty woman who is too proud of herself because mom is quite easygoing, she dresses simply and talk humbly.

Mom would avoid talking bad behind people's backs at all cost. She doesn't want her words to inflict pain upon someone even if it's actually a fact.

As you can see, I AM VERY PROUD OF MOM. I think of her as my role model. Someday I want to be like her, even if she only stays at home, she is very; VERY successful. What are the criterias and characteristics of successful people anyway? My mom doesn't make money but she makes sure that her children will grow up with good heads. And to me that is very successful of her.

I'm not saying that I'm such a great person already but I can talk about my flaws right here because of mom.

From that long explanation, my new year resolution is;

To not hurt people, accidentally or intentionally. I must watch my words, my attitude and my gestures.

New year, new me for nanaluar; hope you'd grow a good head on your shoulder and your ego would die.

Happy new year!

Writing

I've always had passion for writing, whether it's about my daily life, everything I've been through and even stories that I create in my head.

To be honest, I once had a thought that I want to be an author. You know, like J.K Rowling kind of author lol. I had planned what kind of fantasy story I would write and which publisher I should send my work to... but then I thought the competition would be too tough and I wouldn't survive with my below average skills. How did I find out that my writing is subpar?

As I have said before, I seriously considered to create my own stories and make a name for myself as a professional author. To achieve that, I made so much researches, such as reading a whole lot works from other writers. There were a lot of genres and I mostly read short stories about romance because those are always around. I by no means have any rights to put down the quality of someone's fruit of an effort, but there were a lot of works that made me go 'huh?' because of poorly written dialogues, wrong grammars and unimaginable plot twists.

Those works made my ego reach a whole new level of peak and I thought I could do better than them. I thought I was better than them because I write (yeah, I don't think I speak the language well) English quite well. I tried to write; and I always came into one conclusion after I start writing, I can't finish it.

I would always start writing with fresh new ideas; I would write them in high spirits but then I would meet that famous writer's block halfway and in the end I lost my initial spirit so I stopped writing it until the end.

Because of that. I appreciate those who can write until the end. Even if they can't write with the right grammars, at least they are consistent and eager enough to finish what they started.

So I let that dream of me being a professional and renowned author go, because I don't have the ability of being consistent. I get bored easily so I definitely am not able to strive as an author like J.K Rowling. In the end I think that was such a silly and unreachable dream.

But there is always this nagging feeling in my heart, ideas and concepts are always overflowing in my mind, I can't help it but I really want make stories from those overflowing ideas.

I know that I still won't be able to finish it if I meet writer's block again but I want to write and I'll use this blog as a platform to write anything... so please anticipate if one day I will write a story here!

P.s I am certain that I won't be an author so rest assured, you won't be seeing my trashes in the bookstore, you will only see it here

Women

To all the little girls watching...never doubt that you are valuable and powerful & deserving of every chance & opportunity in the world.

- Hillary Clinton, 2016

One woman who is the most qualified amongst the candidates has lost the fight. While it is saddening to see such a powerful figure not given the privilege to lead America as a better nation, this election has showed us that us, women are capable of being leaders.

That smile should have graced America for the next four years

I've seen so many of you, women, degrading your own worth. We are capable just as much as men. Are men smarter than us? Of course not, Trump and his elderly uneducated white men have proven it wrong. Men are certainly not smarter than us.

Equality. Everyone are deserving of equality.

Kita perempuan bukanlah creature yang lemah, yang gampang dipermainkan. Certainly people like Kartini, Malala Yousafzai, Marie Curie, Queen Elizabeth II, Mother Theresa and Hillary Clinton have shown us kalo kaum wanita can stand on our two feet. Mereka adalah sosok-sosok yang revolusioner, women should not be only known by their physical beauty but the beauty of their intelligence should be recognized too.

Today, take a leap forward and make changes. Don't be chained up by society's expectations of what women should do and don't, of what women should wear and not; turn your attention away from the heaviness of society's watchful and judgmental eyes; be yourself, because a woman who is able to express herself freely, is a woman of modern days, a woman who is valuable and powerful.

Women are valuable existence that have blessed the world. What can we do without the presence of women; who are our mothers, grandmothers, teachers and friends? The world would be so bleak.

Trump getting elected should not faze women down. We are strong and those men who think with their sticks are way less than us, show them who's on top, girls!

nanaluar's View of What's Happening Around the World

This page is made thanks to the fever that made me unable to be productive and be a useful human being in our fucked up society.

... did I just say fucked up?

Oh well, the world is indeed fucked up because a JOKE has been elected to be a president of the superpower country, the police of the world, the great America!

 (Boohoo please take a look at that ugly smirking face)

Why is Trump bad? What did Trump do? Did Trump commit a wrongdoing?

Babe, I could list more than a thousand things about this guy borderline criminal acts but let's save it for laters I'm battling against fever right now and it doesn't feel good.

There are already accounts of Trump's ugly supporters harassing women and muslims in general. About two women had gotten their hijab ripped off of them forcefully, one of their attacker even said 'this isn't allowed anymore'

It breaks my heart that those dumbfucks think they are now above the law because their choice won the election.

Anyway dwelling into international affairs isn't just my forte I don't want to talk about people's stupidity and bigotry (I'm side eyeing you, you hypocrites that covers your political ambition with the name of defending islam).

Okay because gue orang Indonesia (yang bakalan pindah kewarganegaraan 10 tahun lagi kalo Indonesia tetep menyayangi dan melindungi manusia-manusia munafiknya) let's rather talk about the current situation of our beloved Ibu Pertiwi.

1. Ahok is undergoing investigation

Our governor, is being investigated because some folks say he has done a big mistake, which is, he mocked Islam.

While I do think that religion is really a sensitive topic and Ahok was quite stupid because of his big mouth, I don't think what he said is meant to put down our religion. He was subtly mocking those who wants to take him down using the surah Al Maidah. And I don't see any wrong in that. But to each of your own I guess.

2. Antasari Azhar has been freed

Antasari who was the prime suspect of Nasrudin murder, has been freed out of prison today, 10 of November 2016 after being jailed for about 8 years

I was actually waiting for the secrets he said he has but yeah thanks dude for not spilling it out.

3. Neo SOHO was burned

The new department store, Neo SOHO which is located right in front of the Central Park Mall was caught in fire last night; 9th of October 2016.

The fire was quite big but thanks God it wasn't opened officially yet so there were no victims.

So I've only covered for like three news because those are the only news that I know lol but anyways! Postingan2 gue berikutnya mungkin ga akan ngebahas politik lagi but probably my own boring daily live or maybe my adorable cats or maybe I won't post anything again lol.

See you all later folks!